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Building Community by Wanda Urbanska and Frank Levering Last of a two-part excerpt from Nothing's Too Small to Make a Difference (John F. Blair, Publisher) "Remember, no man is a failure who has friends." -- Clarence, the angel, to George Bailey, the character played by Jimmy Stewart, in It's a Wonderful Life In the mad rush of America today, many customs that contribute to the quality of life have fallen by the wayside: homemade meals and the time to enjoy them; long, leisurely visits with neighbors and friends; taking time not only to smell the roses but to observe the seasons. However, one of the greatest casualties of modem times is the erosion of community life, something that was once at the center of our collective experience. Indeed, in recent years, the loss of community connections and cohesion has jumped to the top of our national civic agenda, in part due to the high-profile work of Harvard professor Robert D. Putnam and his colleague Lewis M. Feldstein. Our national leaders have begun to recognize that the loss of community is not some distant and nebulous intangible, but a factor that concretely affects the quality of our lives. Recently, the term to express the value it represents -- social capital -- has entered into our national parlance. Dr. Putnam's landmark 2000 book, Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, makes the case that we Americans have become a nation of loners, and that this trend, if left unchecked, could shake the foundations of our democracy. Putnam cites declining membership in groups like the PTA, Kiwanis and the Loyal Order of Moose, in churches, in book clubs, in garden clubs, in partisan political groups, and, yes, even in bowling leagues to demonstrate that we are increasingly pursuing "privatized" forms of leisure like watching TV and surfing the Internet, rather than connecting with others. Technology can drive us apart Technology -- which enables us to do things individually that previously would have been done with others or in a public setting -- is a major force separating us from each other. Today, we can listen on headsets to the musical selections of our choice without having to consider anyone else's taste. If we're away from home and need to make a phone call, we turn to our cell phones, rather than locating a pay phone. We surf the Internet for information and take classes online, never setting foot in a library or a classroom. We can bank online and withdraw cash from an ATM without making contact with another human being. Though our lives have become increasingly peopleless, our hard-wired need for connections and emotions remains. Only recently have we begun to understand the high price we're paying for our isolation. Rx: Community involvement The evidence is startling, compelling and mounting: Community life is beneficial to your health -- and not by a little, but by a lot. Thanks to the people who study such things, we now have the medical stamp of approval for the fact that being involved in a group or organization is as beneficial to your health as quitting smoking, getting regular exercise or eating better. "There is a huge amount of public data that says incontrovertibly that connections make a huge difference," Lewis Feldstein, president of the New Hampshire Charitable Foundation and co-author with Robert Putnam of Better Together: Restoring the American Community, told me when I recently met with him in Cambridge, Mass. For instance, data shows that if you are not a member of a single social, civic, religious or fraternal organization and you join one in a particular year, your chances of dying that year will drop by a staggering 50 percent. "If you join another organization that year, your chances of dying drop another 25 percent," he said. The effect levels off after joining two clubs. If you join too many, he cautions, you place yourself in danger of social overload. "We know that, at some level, being connected is natural," he said. "It's a close call as to which would kill you first, smoking three packs of cigarettes a day or being all alone, literally." The "Roseto Effect" Public-health experts term the advantages springing from having strong community and interpersonal ties the "Roseto Effect," after a famous 1950's study of a group of poor Italian immigrants who moved to Roseto, Pa. These people, who were connected by strong community customs and ties, were noticeably healthier and longer-lived than their peers in nearby towns, with whom they shared risk factors, such as poor eating habits, minimal or non-existent exercise routines, and an addiction to cigarettes. As it turned out, their health edge wasn't genetic. As the next generation of Italian-Americans from Roseto assimilated into American culture and broke free of the tight-knit community ties of their parents and grandparents, their health advantages disappeared. A plethora of research studies affirms the role of human connections and interactions in good health. One such study, conducted by a team of psychiatrists at Stanford University Medical School, led by Dr. David Spiegel, found that patients with metastatic breast cancer who joined support groups lived nearly twice as long as patients who received only medical care. Other studies have demonstrated depression to be less prevalent among women who maintain many close friendships. "The fact that depression is now an international epidemic is reflective of these deep needs for connection that aren't being met," Frances Moore Lappé, author of Diet for a Small Planet and 13 other books, told Frank and me during a recent visit to her sunny apartment in Cambridge, Mass. These deep needs to feel connected, she explained, are fulfilled "through real sharing of experience and in common endeavor." But why are the bonds that are formed from the sharing of experience and common endeavor increasingly hard to create and maintain? The answers are complex. Many Americans are either transients -- people not closely connected to any particular community -- or community dropouts whose lives have become increasingly self-contained. With more two-career couples in the workplace, and with many people working ever-longer hours and spending more time commuting, the lack of discretionary time is taking its toll on community life. Some of these unconnected individuals may never have experienced the pleasures of community life and may even lack a vocabulary to express that void. Others feel an emptiness in their lives but can't put a finger on its source. A decade ago, Ken Munsell of Ellenshurg, Wash., told me he was convinced that the national resurgence of interest in small-town living was in part a result of the decline of community life: "People are missing something, and they don't know what it is." Now, 10 years later, it's clear that what it is is community life. Big and little things The first step to building community -- and increasing our social capital -- is recognizing its centrality to our overall health and well-being. "We need to start by getting people to say, 'Hey, this stuff counts,'" says Lew Feldstein. Once you decide that this stuff does count, you'll need to make a conscious effort to fold community building into your everyday life. There are big and little things you can do to build community. Following are ideas that anyone can try; we're limited only by out time, energy, imagination and initiative. Try one or two, or try them all. Remember, nothing's too small to make a difference. « Join a group -- Given the preponderance of evidence about the health-enhancing benefits of joining a club, group or organization, make it a point to join at least one group. Then take your membership seriously. Joining an organization with a mission -- or even one with no more mission than providing fellowship -- is a great way to get outside yourself. Clubs are meaningful meeting grounds for building community, networking, socializing and establishing a goal or mission that can best be tackled by a group, rather than an individual. And remember, civic groups are the lifeblood of a community. When various organizations work well together, that's a good indicator a particular community has a strong, well-lubricated civic infrastructure. « Learn people's names -- Here in Mount Airy, N.C., employees at a successful local institution, the F. Rees clothing store, are all schooled in the art and importance of learning customers' names. Owner Gene Rees, who happens to be our office landlord, once told me that the key to learning someone's name is to make a mental note of it when you're introduced. During that first meeting, repeat the name as many times as you can, out loud and to yourself. Put the name itself on your conversational agenda. Ask how it's spelled. Spell it back to that person, and ask if he or she is related to someone else you know by the same name. Or tie it to a celebrity or a famous historical figure. The point is to go over the name, performing any mental gymnastics that will help etch it in your memory. Then, when you next see that person, say, "Hello, Holly. Are you having a good day?" « Make small talk -- Successful merchants know that they can increase their sales if they engage would-be customers in conversation. Recently, when I had a few hours to kill during a layover at Washington Dulles International Airport, I was that customer. I strolled by a music stores called Altitunes and started browsing. James, the clerk on duty, asked where I was going. I was startled. In the frantic culture of major airports, I'd never once had a merchant ask me anything more probing than if I took my coffee black or with cream and sugar. We struck up a conversation, and I came home with a new CD. The moral of this story is not that friendliness boosts retail sales (though it can't hurt), but that we're so starved for connection that anyone who takes the time to ask questions and engage us in conversation will be rewarded, if not with a sale, then with a shared moment together something we all crave. And don't wait for others to talk to you. Extend yourself. When you go into the pharmacy or the home-improvement store, ask people you encounter a question or make a comment. Use your imagination. Ask the checkout clerk what her brand of toothpaste is, or ask her if she's still in school. Ask the assistant manager how long her shift is. Just think of something that will open the door to an exchange. And remember, when you talk to someone, really focus on that person. Don't be fumbling in your wallet or adjusting your bra strap. Train your eyes on the person you're addressing and give her your full, undivided attention. You may he making the most meaningful contact that person will have all day. I was once struck by the poignancy of an older woman who complained that, because of her lined face, people "don't even look at me anymore." « Listen more, talk less -- Writer Brenda Ueland once observed that when we listen deeply to people, we experience "an alternating current" that "recharges us so that we never get tired of each other." In fact, the most community-oriented people I know do more listening than talking, and they are generally energized by what they hear. One of our leading citizens in town is endlessly curious about others, always asking questions, always taking in others' answers. He's a thoughtful listener who genuinely cares about what he hears. If you've ever talked to him, you'll know he's heard you because he'll drop something you've said into conversation months or years later. And don't forget that listening more than talking is a sign of emotional maturity. As the old saw goes, "Wise people know what they say; foolish people say all they know." « Be punctual -- A great way to build community is to show up on time -- or, better yet, early -- to events, gatherings, appointment, lunch dates and the like. This is a means of showing respect for the person who has invited you and for the event itself. Having a cushion of time will help put you into the right frame of mind for the experience and lay the grounds for your enjoying and being more completely present for it. « Slow your pace -- Some great ways to slow your pace are by walking, hiking or even driving more slowly. When you do this, you will notice the little things that make up the collective landscape of your community: the new window display at the local florist featuring spring flowers or autumn leaves; an announcement for a blood drive posted on a bulletin board at the drugstore alongside a flyer for a potluck supper. A slower pace will also give you time to talk to passersby, both those you know and the ones you haven't yet met. « Help travelers and tourists -- Mount Airy attracts its share of tourists, who come to actor Andy Griffith's hometown in search of the spirit of Mayberry. Most of them make a beeline for the Mount Airy Visitors Center on North Main Street, where they are greeted by executive director Ann L. Vaughn, social capitalist extraordinaire, or a member of her friendly staff. After they've toured the world's largest collection of Andy Griffith memorabilia, they wander up Main Street seeking out additional attractions -- the Old City Jail, Snappy Lunch, the Bluebird Diner and the Main Oak Emporium. Since our office is located on the second floor over a gift shop on Main Street, Frank and I often bump into map-toting tourists who sometimes appear a bit lost. On nearby City Hall Street, I often see husbands snapping shots of their wives (or vice versa) in front of the '62 Ford Galaxy, a duplicate of the patrol car on The Andy Griffith Show. Whenever I can, I offer to snap their pictures together. Talk about happiness! Nothing seems to delight tourists more. And I get a rush of pleasure by doing my part to offer old-fashioned Southern hospitality to strangers, with no expectation of reward. As a bonus, I always feel that I'm polishing the good feelings about our community that these tourists will take home. « Start a supper club -- Breaking bread together is a surefire way to create community. Carolyn R. Shaffer, co-author with Kristin Anundsen of Creating Comrnunity Anywhere, says that sharing meals "allows you to get involved in each other's lives and develop camaraderie." Ideally, a dinner club should meet every one to two weeks for a meal out or for a potluck at someone's home or a community center. This can be a group that shares a common interest -- Presbyterian businesspeople, stay-at-home moms, creative writers, neighbors on Willow Street. Or it can be a diverse group of people of different generations, backgrounds, and income brackets. You'll he surprised at how tight-knit such a circle can grow over time, as people get to know each other. The optimal size for a dinner club is eight to 12 people. Be sure to schedule gatherings regularly -- either weekly or bi-weekly, but no less than once a month. Otherwise, the glue holding the group together will start to lose its hold. « Host a dinner party -- If you're not quite ready to make the leap to forming a supper club, why not host a dinner party? Just one. You may find you like entertaining so much that you'll do it more frequently. Wanda Urbanska is a nationally known author and expert on simplicity. She is a graduate of Harvard University and author or co-author of five books including Simple Living, Moving to a Small Town, and Christmas on Jane Street. She is co-author with Frank Levering of the book, Nothing's Too Small To Make A Difference. She has hosted the PBS primetime special "Escape from Affluenza: Living Better on Less." Her series, "Simple Living with Wanda Urbanska," is currently airing on PBS stations nationwide. Frank Levering is a farmer, author, playwright, poet, producer and scriptwriter, with a wide range of credits. He is the co-author with Wanda Urbanska of five books, and he has published a collection of poetry, Blue Light (Orchard Gap Press). In 1999, Frank founded and remains producer for the innovative environmental Cherry Orchard Theatre in Virginia. In 1986, he and Wanda Urbanska moved from Los Angeles to the orchard, which is known throughout the Southeast for its pick-your-own cherries. Levering Orchard, which was founded by Frank's grandparents in 1908, is now the largest cherry orchard in the South. Visit www.simplelivingtv.net Copyright © Wanda Urbanska and Frank Levering. All rights reserved. Printed with permission. |
