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Red-Tail Revisited
by Suzanne Vadnais Monson
"Be patient with all that is unresolved." -- Rumi
In the year that has passed since I published Calling All Angels, my article about
coming to terms with a red-tailed hawk that died on my porch during the sub-zero
weather of 2004, I've had an epiphany. I didn't have a clue what my childhood dream
was when I came face-to-face with its talisman, the hawk. I thought I did. I was
sure of it. So sure of it I'd bet everything on it.
Yet today, this is what I know: Signs have a funny way of morphing into other things
right before your very eyes. No matter how clear you feel, or how accurate your interpretation
seems, there is always room for error. In the article I draw the conclusion that
if the red-tailed hawk is a messenger sent to awaken my vision and inspire my life
purpose, that I must rededicate myself to my fledgling inspirational product business
no matter how dire my finances. I was wrong. Today I believe the message I was supposed
to receive went a little deeper.
Getting to truth
Sometimes it's hard to get to the truth of the matter. I'm an expert at dressing
things up in fancy clothes to impress or adding drama for emphasis. The truth is
that in the winter of 2004, I was facing some difficult realities I desperately wanted
to change. Time had run out on betting the farm on my business. I'd spent the farm
and then some. But I didn't want to let go. So I kept plugging away, stringing little
events and sales together to get by.
When I sat down with a business advisor this spring, she was direct: You have to
hire a lawyer and figure out what to do with all of this debt. I had talked with
credit counselors, bankers, friends and family. I was terrified of talking to a lawyer.
When I had no other options, I found the courage to call one, then another, and another,
until my guts told me I was talking to someone who could help me find a way out of
the mess I had created.
It's tricky learning to interpret signals when you're scared out of your wits, but
it is possible. What I'm discovering is that the truth always has some juice to it.
When it comes across my radar, it catches my attention because it gives me goose
bumps or sends me an image that is anchored to something I know to be accurate. Only
after years of paying attention to how this works do I have any confidence in my
ability to navigate these waters. Even with years of experience, I still misinterpret
and misunderstand.
Oh-My-God moments
I mark my learning in increments. Those times when the light bulb turns on or
I see with sudden clarity what is really going on. Facing bankruptcy is one of those
oh-my-god moments. I didn't want it to be this bad. I was hoping there would be an
easier way. And I wanted the solution to be quick. As life would have it, the solution
is anything but quick and far from painless. I remind myself on a daily basis that
life has a way of delivering exactly what I need to learn, whether I can appreciate
it or not.
On the edge of the vast horizon where I can scan everything I have worked so hard
to accomplish, I hold the very real possibility that I could lose everything. My
business, the land my husband and I bought and dreamed of building on, the car I
drive, I supplies I use to make art and fine jewelry. It is all a list of assets
in black and white with dollar amounts attached.
The assessment that I have failed is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I get
that I have really only failed at one thing: making money. I have excelled at touching
the lives of many people and inspiring them to take better care of themselves through
my workshops and gifts. And I am learning how to live with the reality that this
dream of mine is not a moneymaker. That doesn't make it a bad dream.
Spending everything
When I was setting up my business seven years ago, a friend asked me why I had
waited so long to go for it. I told her the truth: If I didn't risk it, I would always
be able to keep it inside of me. I wouldn't have to spend it. When I chose to give
it a go, I knew I was taking a big, messy risk. And I took it anyway, because the
reason for not taking it was bigger: I didn't want to die a bitter, old woman with
my dream trapped inside of me.
I still feel good about spending my big dream. I know what it feels like to do something
I completely love with my time now. I know how doing this totally consumes me. I
can't stop. It is hard for me to take vacations or say no to any creative wellness
program, even if it not going to be profitable. I am deeply committed to growing
creative self-care, because our world is starving for self-kindness and nurturing.
I carry this with me into everything I do no matter what kind of job description
it has.
And there is something else. There is this ah-ha moment of awareness that splashed
itself across me as I got out of bed the other day. I always thought my childhood
dream was to be rich and famous. Having been a child of poverty this made sense.
Only after experiencing the overwhelming love and support that surrounds me as I
deal with this impending leveling of my playing field did I feel my true longing
for this lifetime. More than anything, I want to know I am loved and supported just
the way I am.
Another messenger
Would it surprise you to learn that I've been visited by red-tailed hawks every
day for months? I had one serenading me from the edge of the bluff for half an hour
yesterday. I think they want to make sure I get the message this time, and they're
sticking close just to make sure. "Hey," they seem to be saying with their
piercing cry and swooping dives, "Headcase. Get it straight. You have been given
an amazing gift of a life. Maybe it's time you enjoyed it."
And I'm working on it. Everyday I get better at inventing fresh ways to love myself
just the way I am.
Suzanne Vadnais Monson is a multimedia artist and author who has been dazzling
us with her unique version of visual affirmations since 1998. A sought after arts
educator and creativity coach, Suzanne teaches everything from watercolor painting
studios to a series of art summer camps for children in the St. Croix Valley. She
is currently underway on her spirited guide to creative self care, Navigating By
Stardust, to be published in the Spring of 2006. You can reach her at: (715) 294-4522
or via e-mail at: comeoutandplay@cornernet.com.
Copyright © 2005 Suzanne Vadnais Monson. All rights reserved. |
| June 2005 |
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