signup
for email updates
Directory
Our
Archive: 2001-2004
Cover
Art Archive
Search
|
ReBecoming: Self, Earth
& Identity
by Loba
I remember well those feelings of ecstasy that used to sweep over me when I was very
young, spending afternoons with a particular tree that lived in the woods behind
my house. I so badly wanted to share with my mother the feeling of oneness I experienced,
the sensation of my being growing larger than my body, as if my tiny self had merged
with the tree's limbs stretching outwards to the sky, as if I were one with the gnarly
probing roots reaching down deep into the heart of the earth.
Lacking the vocabulary, I simply told her that there was a tree I "adored."
It scared me to watch her face get all tight as she told me fiercely, "You're
not to adore anything but God!"
To which I couldn't help but ask, "But isn't God in all the trees?"
"No, God isn't in the things of the Earth," she replied sternly.
This confused me to no end, especially since I had always thought my mother loved
nature in the same natural, loving, little girl ways that I did. Thankfully, I knew
that she was wrong. I would continue to worship a spirit that enlivens all things
of the earth, and to tell each silent being how much I loved them when I was sure
no one was around. But it never quit feeling strange to have to conceal or downplay
the depths of such innocent intention, and pure loving connection.
But try as I might, the judgment I was subjected to rubbed off. I wondered what was
wrong with me, why I never seemed to "fit in" or be "popular"
liked I longed to be. I wonder now how things might have been different if just one
person in my life had noticed and affirmed my truest authentic self and my deepest
love for the natural world I am an extension of...if even one had encouraged me to
discover my identity and purpose, and to find my family amongst the generations of
beings of this living Earth.
As children, we are forever asked what we are going to "be" when we grow
up, as if becoming a baseball player or an astronaut could either define our souls
and dreams or fulfill our sacred yearnings. And so I tried on different "identities"
as if they were costumes I could select from, while searching for a place where I
felt I could feel understood and appreciated. I joined various sports teams, became
the girlfriend of so and so, became "the poet" and "the actress,"
throwing myself so completely into whatever my role and focus was at the time that
I was always "sure" each was IT. And every time the relationship with whatever
or whoever it was faded I felt terribly lost, with nothing to hang onto. No wonder
I couldn't find this thing, as often as I fooled myself...for "it" wasn't
a thing for me to acquire or become, but rather that which I already was and needed
only to acknowledge, nourish and manifest.
Finally I heard the cries of the Earth for me to come to her bosom. Submerged in
the river of sweet medicine, I shed all the masks of identities outgrown. I realized
that underneath it all I have always been, and will always be -- one with the Mama
Earth! Remembering my oneness with Her, all my other identities become ways to express
my devotion to this inclusive whole, and thus, my devotion to my ever-blooming self!
To that "me" which is all things, with no need to be saved from the endless
cycles of life and death, creation and recreation. Wife, teacher, caretaker, cook,
mistress of song and dance, I pray I will always be...but my identity is much larger
than the things I do, even those I do well. I am Her, as surely as She is me! I realized
there was nothing I needed to "hang onto," knowing I will be a part of
this All for eternity.
I have grown up into a person who lives close to the beauty of the land, on a magic
river that joins me in sacred sentient song. Most of my time is given writing articles
to share the gifts and insights of this place, or to the seekers and guests who pilgrimage
to this wild place from afar.
When I look into the faces of these fellow sisters now, I see more than writers,
artists, caretakers, mothers, healers, witches, clothes designers, biologists, ecologists
and chiropractors. More than astrologers, acupuncturists, masseuses, counselors,
and high school coaches -- and more than the activities that fill up our mortal days.
I'm conscious now of the diverse ways that our every single action either connects
us to the whole, or else distracts, disconnects and dishonors.
My identity is inseparable from that of the holy/whole universe I am a forever part
of, just as it once was when I was so very young, and first hugged and cried with
and melded into that special backyard tree. I am my wounds and lessons, my gifts
and skills, my animal body and creature hungers. But I know now, and I will never
forget again -- that I am the natural Earth, and the skies She is bedded in. And
I am you as well, healing ourselves as we heal the planet, being all we can be...and
that's good enough for me.
Loba tends an enchanted wilderness sanctuary and ancient place of power where
she hosts wilderness quests, retreats, and events including the annual Wild Women's
Gathering (June 16-21) and the Sacred Indulgence Weekend (Sept 23-25): The Sweet
Medicine Women's Center & Earthen Spirituality Project, Box 820, Reserve, NM
87830. Visit www.earthenspirituality.org
Copyright © 2005 Loba. All rights reserved. |
| May 2005 |
|
|
