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Surrender in Love
Practical Psychology | by Lloyd J. Thomas
The notion of surrender conjures up images of defeat, weakness, cowardliness and
"giving up." When an army surrenders, it is conquered or defeated. If the
insurgents in Iraq were to surrender, we would claim to have defeated them. We Americans
don't like to surrender much of anything.
True surrender in a loving relationship, however, is something very different than
"giving up" in defeat. Surrender in love is different than being conquered.
I looked it up in the dictionary and it defined surrender: "To give up possession
of or power over." In a loving relationship, that is a powerful concept. By
such a definition, the idea of giving up possession of or power over another...my
partner, is a profoundly healthy notion. I submit that surrender is at the very heart
of a loving relationship.
"Now wait a minute," you might say. "How am I ever going to keep my
marriage together if I give up power over my partner? If I don't have possession
of you and I don't have any power over you, then what will assure me you will stick
around?"
So many people stay in nasty, terrible and painful relationships, because they feel
trapped. They feel trapped by finances, by children, by social obligations, by the
need for others' approval, by sex, by fear of being alone...and more. How can we
really have any kind of joyful, free relationship if you or I feel trapped?
Here is the point: A loving relationship can only evolve when we have removed all
of the "reasons" for staying within it. Only when I have surrendered my
need to possess my partner to feel secure myself can I be open to receive my partner's
choice to remain with me. Surrender is a willingness to receive, an openness to take
in more love, more joy, more freedom, more life!
Stella Resnick, a gestalt therapist, describes surrender this way: "Surrender
is not a defeat, nor a loss of personal power, but rather a skill that can improve
with practice. To surrender is to let go, to give up control and just let it happen.
Surrender is a physical experience: the control that you're letting go of is in the
muscles, felt as tightness and restraint. To surrender is to relax the muscle's grip
and to simply let yourself be."
If I just let myself be in a relationship, then my partner will be more likely to
know who I am. If my partner let's himself or herself "just be," then I
can learn about him/her and can more clearly choose to love her/him or not. Ah ha!
That's the problem. Somehow you may have learned that if you "control"
yourself, or if you control the situation, or if you control others, you can reassure
yourself others will love you. But controlling only leads to resistance and rebellion,
not to freely loving. If a relationship is ever going to work in terms of love, we
must surrender to each other any power we might have, or think we have, over the
other.
There seems to be paradox here. It is only through practicing surrender that you
insure your security and well-being. Only in practicing the giving up of control
do we strengthen ourselves and our personal power. Here is how you might practice
this surrender.
For a few minutes, stop what you're doing. Close your eyes, inhale deeply, all the
way to the top of your chest, and blow the air out in a complete exhale. Imagine
that you are also blowing out any tension or unpleasant feelings you've been storing
up. Then stretch your arms, neck, back, torso, legs and feet. Stretch your whole
body, and then relax. Let all tension flow out upon exhale. Now scan the world around
you with all your senses. See the sights, smell the air, hear the sounds, feel the
objects which touch you, note the taste in your mouth. Then breathe deeply again
and imagine you are breathing in energy and vitality. Pause. Breathe out, imagining
you are breathing out tension and toxins. Surrender to your experience of the moment.
Practicing little moments of surrender makes big surrenders easier. As tension, resistance
and fear diminish, softness, gentleness and trust grow. So also do feelings of love
and tenderness. When we surrender to who we are at the moment and who the other is
at this moment, we are able to become more loving. Surrendering in love shows more
of what there is to love within us. And that, I submit, is a necessary and invaluable
aspect of any loving relationship.
Lloyd
J. Thomas, Ph.D., has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist.
He is the author of Total
Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques to Enhance Your Practice...and
Your Life (W.W. Norton & Company), co-authored by Dr. Patrick Williams. Call
1 (800) 233-4830.
Dr. Thomas is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology."
The initial coaching session is free. Contact him at (970) 568-0173 or e-mail DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com. Visit the
website www.lifecoachtraining.com. To subscribe
to his weekly column, Practical Psychology, e-mail your request to: PracticalPsychology-On@lists.webvalence.com and write
"subscribe" in the subject line and an "X" in the body.
Copyright © 2005 Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. All rights reserved. |
| February 2005 |
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