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Loving & Supporting is easier
than Struggling for Power
Intentional Family Living | by Elizabeth di Grazia
As usual, Antonio, 22 months old, balked at having his diaper changed. It had become
a common occurrence -- expected -- that he would shake his head with a wild "No."
My response was to set him in his crib, saying, "Let me know when you're ready."
After leaving him for a few minutes, I'd check his willingness, "Are you ready
yet?"
"No!" he would say, diving for his pillow. I would leave, return and ask
the same question until we had on a dry diaper.
This time, instead of turning to leave his room, I paused, looked into his eyes and
said, "It's OK. Sometimes we need time alone, space. It's OK if you're not ready
yet."
Immediately something clicked for him and I. We both felt it. I could hear the flicker
of permission in my voice and body. He stopped before his head reached the pillow
and raised his arms to me. On the changing table, Antonio allowed me to diaper him
without the required distraction (an item from his bookcase) that he could toy with.
His sister, Crystel, who is 20 months old, moves through the same script when she
needs a diaper change. (They mirror each other's actions, plotting against their
mothers, Jody and I, bonding tighter in their defiance). Crystel had the same reaction
as Antonio when I stopped, looked into her eyes and really gave her permission to
remain in her crib.
I had previously thought that I was taking right action by placing the toddlers in
their crib, not engaging in a power struggle and returning every few minutes to check
their readiness. As I look back on the situation, I was engaging in a battle by not
giving them permission to stay in their crib, even though that's what I thought I
was saying and doing. The change came in the extra moment that I paused, looked into
their eyes and softened my tone. There wasn't a cause for struggle when I really
was OK with them remaining in their crib, taking the time and space they needed.
My earlier tone was a tart apple: good fruit, but not one a child will reach for.
Once the apple tree brought forth a sweeter, softer fruit, they were ready.
Elizabeth di Grazia has published short work in a number of periodicals, including
The Phoenix, Rockhurst Review and Beginnings. Her memoir, House of Fire was a 2004
finalist for the Bakeless literary prize for creative nonfiction and the creative
nonfiction 2003-2004 Loft series. Currently she is writing her memoir, Mother's In
Hiding. Elizabeth and her partner, Jody, are the mothers of like-twins, born July
and September 2002. Elizabeth can be reached at edigrazia@msn.com
Copyright
© 2004 Elizabeth di Grazia, all rights reserved. |
| Dec 2004 |
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