| Feeling your way through
depression by Erinne White There are two kinds of depression -- the kind you know about and the kind you don't know about. I had the second kind. I must have known something, because I knew things were not fine. I knew I wasn't happy; but nor was I in an obvious state of pain. I didn't know exactly what the problem was or whether there was any solution. On some level, I don't think I was sure that greater happiness was possible for me. My life became focused on the everyday experiences and my world became small. If someone had asked, I might have said that I preferred the predictability and safety of a small world -- or I might not even have realized that I had a choice. I innocently fed the problem by eating lots of carbohydrates and sugar (spaghetti with plain tomato sauce for dinner, followed by ice cream) and watching too much TV. I felt very tired and took naps all the time. Looking back, it would be easy to package my experience and neatly outline its causes and solutions. There are obviously many clear-cut reasons for someone to be depressed -- such as repressed trauma, extended grief, or simply being out of touch with yourself. It is possible to identify these issues in your life and work through them until you feel better, sometimes with professional help. But when I think about my depression, I don't remember it in those terms. Instead, I view it as a time I spent underwater. Time moves more slowly underwater. Your senses work differently and you lose some of them. But it is through those five senses that you can stay in touch with life and find your own solutions: ¥ Sight: Things look different underwater -- blurrier. It becomes more difficult to open your eyes. You keep them closed for ease of movement. That is, you go through life without really looking at what you are doing or why you are doing it. The secret then, is to look around you. How are other people living? How would you compare your present to your past and the dreams you used to have for your future? On a more mundane level, it is important (especially in winter) to get enough daylight. ¥ Sound: When underwater, you lose much of your hearing. It is harder to receive messages and listen for guidance. This is one of the most difficult things about depression -- the feeling of being out of touch with your intuition about what is right for you. There is always a deeper knowing lodged somewhere within your body, but it will take effort to get in touch with that inner voice. Sometimes we need guidance in the form of a counselor, a doctor, or a friend. ¥ Smell: You can't breathe underwater -- we are not created to live there. We must surface for air regularly, or carry our air with us. What does that mean in practical terms? Remember that you are in a place where it is difficult to thrive. Your energy might be low. So make a special effort to breathe and get some moderate exercise. Sometimes a focus on increasing your energy can actually guide you out of depression. ¥ Taste: You won't taste life the way you should if you are depressed. Perhaps you won't taste food the way you should either. Beware of unconscious eating habits that feed depression: alcohol, sugar, or too many carbohydrates can mess with the body's metabolism and add to any chemical or hormonal imbalances. You may have a distorted relationship with the basic forms of nourishment -- water, food, and sun. So drink water, eat a balanced diet, and get that daylight. ¥ Touch: Like water, depression surrounds us completely. Touch is the way through. When you are trying to walk through water, you need to feel your way through, inch by inch. The water slows you down, but you can learn to move within that medium. Be sure to stay in touch with other people. It can become almost comforting to know that you are surrounded by a protective layer. But it is important to find a way into more direct contact with the world. Water, in many spiritual systems, symbolizes emotion. Perhaps depression is meant to slow us down until we can contact our true emotions and work through them. It takes a tremendous amount of work to go through this process, but anyone can do it. How did things change for me? I finished school and had to get a job. So I moved to another city and that pushed me into a different phase of depression, one in which I felt more in touch with my feelings of unhappiness. And slowly, without any roadmap, I created a better life and a greater state of well-being. But even now, 10 years later, I would not say that I have solved all the problems that led to my depression. I see that period as a difficult phase in my long climb from hopelessness and uncertainty to optimism and full engagement with the world. Perhaps, for many of us, that journey is a natural part of life. Erinne White is a writer and editor living in Ontario, Canada. Copyright © 2004 Erinne White |
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Feb 2004 |
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