| Spiritual Growth It's About Progress, Not Perfection by Karen Barta-Gaskell When I woke up this morning, I had a strong sense that the first order of business was to make sure I got back into the habit of journaling. I felt as though I couldn't put it off another day. Somehow, I had stopped writing my daily personal essays several months ago. I'm not sure why really. I guess I had simply fallen out of the habit. Lately, I'd noticed my mind felt full to capacity and I knew it was time to release my thoughts on paper. For me, journaling had been my way of taking an informal daily inventory. I had managed to avoid my urge to write until yesterday, when I returned home from my 12-step spiritual growth meeting. The focus of our discussion had been on daily inventories and evaluating character defects. J. Keith Miller's A Hunger for Healing, The Twelve Steps as a Classic Model for Christian Spiritual Growth is the book currently used by our group. In it, Miller lists several defects of character that we are encouraged to take a look at in order to review our progress or lack thereof. The fact of the matter is, I had been feeling pretty together as of late. I was growing tired of working on my spiritual growth and self-improvement. I felt I was reaching a point where I had little growing left to do. Oh, I knew there was always room for improvement, perhaps a little tweaking here or there. But I was no longer the "problem child" I had been in early recovery. Why do I have study the 12 steps for the rest of my life? When will enough be enough? As I sat waiting for my turn to speak during the meeting (and I really wanted to pass, because how many times do I have to go over this stuff I had mastered?) I glanced over the list of defects so I could think of something intelligent to share that might benefit the rest of group even if I didn't have anything else to learn. Number one on the list was selfishness. I started thinking a lot about my behaviors and motivations as of late and had to admit there might be just a couple of minor acts some might consider to lean ever so slightly toward selfishness. But hey, I thought, I've gotten much better. My world isn't all about me anymore. It's just mostly about me. I have plenty of room in my head and my heart today for other people feelings and needs. Self-pity was next on the defect list. OK, so I may have a few problems left to work on, but I am absolutely, positively NOT a cry baby. When I don't get my way today, I don't pout for nearly as long as I used to. What at one time took me weeks to get over can be worked through in a just a few days. Usually, anyway. The next one was dishonesty. I sat up a little straighter and felt pretty proud of myself when I read that one, because I had honesty aced. Well, just about. I guess there might be a thing or two I haven't been totally truthful about lately. But I'm basically honest, especially compared to the rest of world. I'm certainly not a liar. Resentment was next. That one made me smile. Thanks to all of my years of hard work on myself, I don't resent a soul. Except maybe for that one woman who makes me want to scream for thinking she's all that. But I keep my cool, because I am very mature and together these days. I'm just about almost free of resentments in my life. Next was that nasty that little four-letter word fear. I tried to reassure myself that fear used to be one of my worst defects. Nope, not anymore. Today I am fearless. Well, virtually fearless. I do get worried a few times a day that I will be diagnosed with a terminal illness or something dreadful will happen to one of my kids or the man I'm crazy about will run off with the woman I resent. But generally speaking, I am serene. Hatred was listed next. What an ugly word! I honestly (and remember, I'm not a liar) can't think of one thing I really hate today. Except, since I started writing this I'm beginning to realize how much I hate my fears and "what if" thinking. Someone once suggested to me that fear indicates a lack of faith. Come to think of it, I resent him a little for saying that. But I don't hate him. Next was jealousy. My self-esteem is really high today. What could I possibly have to be jealous about? Sorry, but I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Just because I felt a little rivalry when I thought a friend of mine might get the job I had been turned down for, technically it isn't jealousy. So I felt a pretty strong sense of relief when she didn't get the position either. So what? Ah, next! Last on the list was Self-reliance. Now that's something I'm absolutely, without question, no doubt about it, great at. I knew I'd eventually find something on the list that I had, without exception, mastered. Wait a minute. This is a list of character defects. How come I'm good at the one I'm supposed to bad at? I think I've done enough journaling for one day. I'll write more tomorrow. Karen Barta-Gaskell is a native Minnesotan from Minneapolis who worked in radio and television journalism for more than 20 years as a newscaster and reporter in the Twin Cities, Duluth and Oklahoma City. She continues to work in communications in addition to her freelance writing endeavors. She has had articles published about spirituality and recovery. Contact her by e-mail at kjbarta@hotmail.com Copyright © 2003 Karen Barta-Gaskell |
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