| Paths are Made by Walking The EDGE Interview with Thérèse Jacobs-Stewart by Tim Miejan ST. PAUL -- Every so often a book comes along that not only catches your attention but actually encourages you to open your eyes and begin to pay attention again. Psychologist and author Thérèse Jacobs-Stewart, an active member of the Clouds in Water Zen Center in St. Paul, Minn., who was initiated into Buddhist practice by Khenchen Thrangu Rinpoche in Nepal, wrote such a book. Paths are Made by Walking: Practical Steps to Attaining Serenity is a guide to using spiritual and emotional intelligence at home, at work and in life. Thérèse (pronounced terez) Jacobs-Stewart has been a practicing licensed psychologist for more than 20 years, has worked in communication counseling, performance enhancement and personal coaching. She has counseled individuals, couples, executives and performing artists, as well as professional and Olympic athletes in the United States, Europe and Asia. A colleague of Daniel Goleman and Annie McKee, whose groundbreaking work on emotional intelligence is reshaping the corporate and self-help worlds, Jacobs-Stewart blends new studies in neuroscience with ancient practices in spirituality. Her book -- a guide designed to be used, not just read -- assists people in identifying tense feelings, emotional habits and points of panic and then joins them in techniques that calm the body, mind and soul. She spoke with the EDGE in a coffee shop off of Grand Avenue in St. Paul. You're one of the large number of teachers and healers who emphasize the value of breathing, of breath. Why do you think we've forgotten how to breathe? And, why is it important to remember? Thérèse Jacobs-Stewart: I guess I tend to think that we've forgotten how to breathe because our whole world is oriented to outward activity -- home, children, work, job, time schedule. All of those demands in our culture and the different roles that we have at home or in business orient us to what I have to do. Especially in our culture, this movement to being connected from inside and acting out of a place of centeredness from inside is constantly challenged, constantly tugged at. That's modern culture. That's city living. Of all cultures, the United States is one of the busiest. I think that that's part of why it's hard to remember to stop and breathe. It's a part of the whole process of living outside of our bodies. Jacobs-Stewart: Yes, outside of our bodies, and meanwhile all of the spiritual and emotional wisdom lives in our bodies. We're so busy, on to the next thing. I just read a neat editorial by somebody in the newspaper yesterday about "Living on Empty." The writer said, "You know, I'm one of like many, many people with this symptom, with this experience, of living on empty. I'm going from the soccer game to the dinner party to the meeting at work to the e-mails to the phone calls to all of that." All of us suffer from it. Breathing's so simple. It's been a cornerstone of so many practices that go inward, whether in psychology or spirituality, because it's so simple and fundamental -- and it's still not easy. I start my book by talking about breathing and talking about the practice of body scanning, which is a way to become more connected to ourselves. That's the first step before you can make any change: You have to be connected to where you are. That's not anything new. In fact, there's no new news about this, but I wanted this book to be about how to put these ideas into practice in a really simple, practical way in the face of modern living. And even though it is in a lot of other books, this is still the place to start. Why leave it out? Jacobs-Stewart: Exactly. And the people who already have that practice well developed can simply move on to what's next, but I wanted this book to really have things to offer people who were right at the starting place, people who feel the need. Maybe they just feel the need for something more, like, "Isn't there something more? Isn't there a more peaceful way of life that can make me more happy?" But, also, in introducing brain science and some other more advanced practices, this book is for the person who maybe already has started, but now is curious about understanding the dimension of what happens to me when I practice and/or what do I need to do to accomplish certain results. I wanted to offer something for that level of interest and experience. You introduce, I think in the very beginning chapter of your book, something that most people would not be familiar with: the amygdala hijack. Why did you begin there? Jacobs-Stewart: For me, it was a huge light bulb after years of studying spiritual practice, after years of being a psychologist, to get this piece about neuroscience. I learned about it in meeting and working with Daniel Goleman. This was an additional dimension to understanding ourselves related to the whole architecture of how we're wired, how we're put together. As I talked about it with my clients around the world, it seemed to give people a deeper understanding of themselves. We're all wired like this. We have an emotional brain. Our emotional brain is wired for fear and it's wired to react. It's not a personal weakness, it's not a matter of shame and it's not a matter of failure. We are all like this, so let's understand it, because once we understand it, then we can do something about it. That's the other part of the research. Our adult brain is far more elastic than we ever thought, even though we have the phenomenon of an amygdala hijacker, an emotional hijack where our less-sophisticated instincts take over. For those who haven't heard that phrase, would it be the same as how we react out of fear or when somebody pushes our buttons. Jacobs-Stewart: That would be a good way to talk about it. Somebody pushes your buttons, but it's like those moments where you over-react even though you know better, like snapping at your loved one. And you describe there's different ways we do that. Some people will repress it and stew over it for a while and other people will snap immediately. Jacobs-Stewart: Right. There are many different shades of how we express that reaction. Depending on how we were raised, maybe it is stewing and fretting and losing sleep, rehashing and being self-critical, or maybe it is sending a blistering e-mail to somebody because you're just fed up. I have loved the expression that was introduced by Dan Goleman of "the emotional hijack," or as I am calling it more the "amygdala hijacking," related to the primitive part of our brain called the amygdala. That's what happens when these more-archaic mechanisms that are in our wiring kick in and take over. That's why the word "hijack" is important. Something else is at the controls in this momentary time of reactivity, and it doesn't get you what you want and it isn't very effective. Unfortunately, you have to go make amends or you have to explain yourself or you have to take Tums. And that there is a way to, using the hijacking analogy, take control back over the flight. Jacobs-Stewart: Exactly. You acknowledge at the very beginning of your book the influence of Daniel Goldman and his work with emotional intelligence. Why has that had such an effect on you? Jacobs-Stewart: His contributions in neuroscience have provided this deeper dimension of understanding. It's also the premise of my whole book: What are we up against with these archaic mechanisms in the architecture of our brain and what can we do about it? The question people kept asking was, "OK. Now what? Tell me how to apply this in my life. How do I really rewire myself for the better?" I wanted to write a book that would answer exactly that question, and I wanted to look to really ancient traditions that inform us about how to do that. There's wisdom from all these generations of people who have lived before us that can show us the way, something tried and true, not some kind of pop-psychology. They tell us, "If you do this, you can achieve this change," and it's from 2,000 or more years of people saying, "Yes." There are traditions of people who have had success with it. Jacobs-Stewart: They've walked the walk. They have the stories to tell. Why reinvent the wheel? This book, like many other powerful works, requires much of the reader through active participation. In writing it, did you consciously seek to encourage the reader to get involved? Jacobs-Stewart: Absolutely. It was really what I was always imagining as I was writing it, as if I'm imagining I'm talking to you and telling you, "Take these practices, some of which are pretty popularly known, some of which are more obscure." I wanted to make them accessible, I wanted to make them easy to understand, and I wanted to make them clear. I also wanted to make them nonsectarian so that anybody can use them and benefit. I do think that there is a required involvement on the part of the reader. The question is, can you take a book and apply it? Can any of us do that? To improve the experience, I'm also offering retreats and workshops listed on my website [www.mindroads.com] that are available for people who may want to come and get some individual experience. Come try the practice, with me giving you some guidance. I think I'll have individual meetings available if somebody wanted to come and get some personal coaching, because I do think it does help to have others whom you can turn to. I think all of us need support in order to succeed. For some individuals, they'll take the book and go do it. For other people, they'll take the book and maybe they'll try one or two practices. For other people, they may take the book and go, "Now, I'm interested. Now my appetite has been aroused and now I want to try this, but where do I go and how do I start?" Some people may prefer to have the book and then come to a retreat or workshop and get a tweak of advice here and there. Get some insight on their practice. I'm guessing that you have used most of those practices throughout your life on this planet. Jacobs-Stewart: I have. What cumulative effect have they had on you, from where you were to where you are now? Jacobs-Stewart: Well, let me first say, I'm on the journey, too. Yes, I did think about the book as a collection of the practices that I find most personally meaningful. Through my years of practice, being in family practice as a clinician, being in corporate consulting for the next 10 years, these were also practices that have had value for others with whom I have shared them. I think that using these practices has given me much more joy in living. I think that there are times when I think, "Oh, this is hard, because I'm aware of..." Work that still has to be done? Jacobs-Stewart: Always. Yes, I hope that I admit my mistakes much faster. I hope that I can regroup in really stressful situations and come back to the steady place, that I can reflect on what I want to do before I just blurt stuff out. I hope that my empathy for others is deepened and that my way of having relationships and resolving conflicts is more artful. You'd have to ask others about how successful I am at that. I'm aware of the times when I'm working my edge. You describe your first experiences of really listening to and understanding your emotions as you walked in the desert of northern Arizona while part of the Nada monastery. What was that experience like? Jacobs-Stewart: It was a wonderful experience. I went there when I was young and I really thought it was going to be an oasis of bliss. Go to the monastery and have the simple life and you're like peaceful and... ...And you'll be serene just being there. Jacobs-Stewart: Absolutely. And, of course, there are elements of that, but my discovery was that by going to the monastery, what you do is you remove the distractions -- TV, phone calls, radio -- and so really the experience is being. You have a microscope with which to observe yourself. You have the power of being in harmony with nature in the rhythm of a monastic life. You have the structure and support of a meditation practice and a spiritual director, which I think are really needed, because it's an intense experience. Then you have the whole community dynamics, even though we were not talking. We kept a vow of silence except on Sunday afternoons during a brunch when we could talk for a couple hours. But the rest of the time, you'd get all the unspoken frictions that you could feel. There you are. And I think that experience is really powerful, because there's no escape. I mean, even if you're distracted, it leaks out everywhere. It was a very powerful healing for me, because I was able to face some of the grief and disappointments and anger that I carried inside of me and to learn to let go and to learn to react less and watch it go by. I like the expression that you had there about emotions: "It's a strange comfort to realize that emotions just are. If you trust them, they will wash through leaving you stronger, allowing joy to return." Many times we wonder why we react the way that we do and we come up with, "I don't know." Is this a case of not examining our feelings or thoughts deeply enough or sometimes maybe the answer isn't there? Jacobs-Stewart: I always think it's worth asking more than once if you come up with "I don't know." That's why I have the practice of Five Why's. If you get to the fifth one and you still go, "Golly, you know, I don't know," let it go and move on. It could be that it's painful to know. It could be that you feel embarrassed or ashamed. It could be that your pride's protecting you. So I always think it's worth asking. I try not to let myself or others off the hook too easy with a simple "I don't know." Keep asking. You make a point earlier in the book how important it is to name and acknowledge what you are feeling regardless of what the source of it is. What's the value in doing that? Jacobs-Stewart: Well, there are a couple of levels of value. From the brain science point of view, even being able to name, "I'm so frustrated," or in the face of my child's behavior, "I feel like such a failure," or "I feel so helpless," you are engaging the neocortex of the brain. The act of naming is starting to reengage the thinking brain, which will help to temper the emotional brain. It helps you to start to regain control, just by naming the feeling. The next level is getting insight. What are the attitudes that I carry around that are making me get my buttons pushed here? If I can have insight, then I will have more control over that. Just knowing that helps you to do some rewiring, unhooking the wires form the red-hot buttons. Now I have to have insight into where I want to go instead and then do the work of actually rewiring it into a new pattern. I can do that if I'm willing, but if I don't have insight, I'm not going to know. I found that first chapter very intriguing when you talked about how we have more responses coming out of the more ancient part of our brain than we have going back the opposite direction. Jacobs-Stewart: If, in the moment of reaction, you can pause in the moment, then you're starting to build more routes to self-determination, through choice. That's necessary for us to succeed. And we know we've succeeded when we can really do it when we're under pressure, like when our kids are driving us crazy, when we have 15 deadlines and our boss just threw something at us that we have to have finished by five o'clock this afternoon, or we're in an organizational system and we're a leader and we need to really stay steady with our vision in order for our organization to accomplish its goals. If we're in that kind of pressure cooker, we know we've succeeded when our new default starts to be this different, more effective response. For people who have unexpected reactions, like road rage, what would be the first thing they should do? You talk about the observer self in your book. Would just observing that behavior be a good start? Jacobs-Stewart: It would be a good start. It's to be able to have it beep on your radar, like beep, beep, beep, trouble, trouble, trouble. Sometimes we don't notice it until we receive a consequence for our behavior. You want to be able to develop your observing self to be able to catch you as you're heating up. So, you start by observing what's happening and having it register, "Oh, not good." Then you start the work of going, "OK, now I want to be able to catch myself when my temperature is rising to 50 before it gets to boiling." They key is staying poised so I can then interrupt it at an earlier point. You don't want to get to the point felt by people who really lose control. They feel escalating waves of pressure day after day after day, really stressful circumstances, lots of them piled up, maybe little ones over many, many, many months. It's like a rising tide of stress that gets people to that point. And we don't always see those or acknowledge them. Jacobs-Stewart: Right, especially if we're too busy to pay attention. Or deny them. Jacobs-Stewart: Yeah, too busy or "I don't want to look at this, because this is going to be ugly." What are the signs that this book would be good for us to read? If we get constant feedback from other people that we're too negative, that I need to do something about my anger? Jacobs-Stewart: Well, certainly those. Those are what I would call really concrete problem areas that are being brought to your attention by outside people, so I think this book could be a resource for you. I really wanted this book to not just be for people who are having signs that something's going astray, like trouble spots at work, at home, in their health, stress, physical symptoms or relationship turbulence. I think that it is a book for anybody who has a rumbling of wanting more. Perhaps I simply want more effectiveness at work. I'm feeling stress. I'm not necessarily acting inappropriately, but I'm just not happy. I want more peace of mind. The subtitle for your book is: To attain serenity. Which is what we all want. Jacobs-Stewart: A rumbling, a hunger, a curiosity. What did you learn in the process of writing this book? How far you've come? How long and winding the road has been? Jacobs-Stewart: How deeply I treasure these practices and how it's a life journey and how far I've come and how far I have to go. I felt a lot of gratitude about that these practices are there for us to turn to and how rich and deep they are and how much they have helped me and how we appreciate the work that all these generations of people have done. I'm just passing it on. I didn't create any of it. It's like passing on this wonderful box of chocolates. What moment in your life turned you this direction and made you begin to say, "There must be something more. I want to seek the serenity within myself." Was there a turning moment for you? Jacobs-Stewart: I would have to say if there was, it would have been the moment when I decided to go to Nada. What were you doing before that point? Jacobs-Stewart: Going to college, living life, working my first job. College wasn't an easy time as a young person. I grew up in the seventies. There was a Vietnam War and we gave away our prom money to the poor. The consciousness of the times was that they're suffering and we should respond. That was the generation of my adolescence. From the experiences of my childhood and early family life, I was seeking happiness. I thought at the age of 20, "Is this all there is?" When I was 20, I got a job for Northwest Airlines. I wanted to get out of the Midwest and see the world. It was the end of the Vietnam War, so I was assigned to help with air raids of Vietnamese refugees from Guam. This was not the glamorous thing that a young girl imagines her job would be like. This was a profound experience for me. I was a girl who wasn't old enough to be drafted. Women weren't being drafted then. I wasn't old enough to have my boyfriends be drafted. None of my family or my friends went to Vietnam, so this air raid work was the closest thing for me to touch the experience of war. People on the planes were young to very, very old. Some of the young teenagers were practicing their English. The elderly people were wailing as they left their homeland and asking me where we grew rice in the United States. I took them a map and I was trying to teach them where they were going. I did this assignment for months. So between my own disposition and that experience, I went back to college and switched my major from art to psychology, because I wanted to help. I thought that the suffering from war was deeply disturbing. When I grew up, we hid under our desks at school because we thought there was going to be nuclear fallout. When we were kids, we didn't want to stick our tongues out and eat the snow, because in school they told you maybe there would be nuclear fallout. Those things shaped me. Four years after the Vietnam air raiding experience, I finished school and made the choice to go to the monastery. I was there for a year and then I decided, "No, my heart of hearts says, 'Go into the world.' " I've been a psychologist ever since. As I studied my psychology, I always studied meditative practice. On a personal level, I felt that they helped me deeply, and on a professional level, it seemed that the people who got better in therapy and made faster progress were the people who had some kind of spiritual practice. That's not a scientific observation. That's just a plain ol' "Is this true for your clients? It seems to be true for my clients." And, so that's how I got here. How does developing empathy for others relate to our personal serenity? Jacobs-Stewart: I think that that is really a good question, because if we don't have empathy for others, I think that a lot of our emotional and mental energy is agitated: "Look at that jerk who just cut in front of me on the freeway!" "How could that person treat me like this." I mean, you end up having this agitation about other people and how they act. So the energy just stays focused on yourself and kind of churns within you? Jacobs-Stewart: If we have empathy, we can let go of stuff easier. It doesn't mean you accept people's behavior if they've treated you in a way that's not respectful or is threatening or harmful. First of all, you can develop empathy for yourself, like, "I'm doing my best and I'm trying, but I fall short and that's just the way it is. Get up tomorrow and try again." If we can be that honest with ourselves, then you go, "OK, like, so I'm not perfect either." Then I think that you can extend that to others, and you can then look at others and say, "No, I don't like the way they act, however, there's more to the story than I understand." They have room to make mistakes too, because we all do. I think it makes you more flexible with the world, and then I think you can deal with it in a more effective way. You can let go of it and not spend your energy going, "AARRGGGH!" And then you can let go. The Dalai Lama says caring for other people is good for our health and I happen to believe that. Our nature is that we're happier when we're giving to other people in some kind of generosity. I don't mean that you should be a doormat, but caring for others breeds happiness. If I can feel empathy by accepting my own humanness, then my heart stretches to others. Then I get this profound kind of awareness that there is no separation. When the earth suffers, we all suffer. Then that leads me to take a step forward, taking more responsibility. I have to say that's maybe one of my favorite parts of the book is the Web of Indra, "that we are all connected, and that when any one of us in the net is touched -- even the smallest vibration at any one point -- all others 'in the 10 directions' feel the tremor." Let's say I want to be snotty. My tongue is twitching because I want to just say something back to whoever was just rude to me, but if I "think" about this connection, that makes a difference how I behave. That helps me live my day. That gives me something to turn to as I'm weighing my response. Should I send a nasty e-mail back or should I wait 24 hours and try to formulate my response before I say anything? I'm just blown away that it's so ancient and now modern quantum science is saying, "Guess what? It wasn't just this beautiful poetic metaphor: It's actually real science that there is human impact from afar on the planet and on other people in the world." Just turn on the television and see the war going on in Iraq. We're a smaller world than we used to be. Thérèse Jacobs-Stewart will be talking about her book at 6 p.m. Monday, June 9, at Lake of the Isles Lutheran Church, 2020 Lake of the Isles Parkway, Minneapolis. She will then walk up the block to Birchbark Books, 2115 W. 21st St., where she will be signing books until 9 p.m. For more information, visit birchbarkbooks.com or call Brian Baxter at (612) 374-4023. Tim Miejan is editor of The EDGE. Contact him at (651) 578-8969 or toll-free 1 (888) 776-5687. E-mail editor@edgenews.com Copyright © 2003 Tim Miejan |
||
|
|
|
