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The Circle of Forgiveness...
by wendy
I realized there was only one person standing in the way of my happiness, so I stepped
aside.
Over and over again, when dealing with my emotions, I have to remind myself. It's
only temporary. This too shall pass. No big deal when I am enjoying those emotions.
A bite when I am not. So when I am caught up in what I feel is a negative encounter
or unacceptable consequences of my own actions toward another I can be extremely
inconsiderate...if only in my thoughts. And that is not okay long term. At least
it is not a state I consider healthy. My body will eventually wear the results of
my thoughts. So I acknowledge the response and go to work. Thoughts are every bit
as poisonous as actions. The problem is me. I am blaming someone else for my creation.
When my emotions are front and center and everything is focused outward, I know I
am out of balance. As soon as I am able to connect that to my energy and see everything
directed at an external source, I can start to undo my projections. I understand
I am caught up in the illusion that things are happening to me and not the other
way around. I step back. Sometimes it takes an instant. Other times...how old am
I? It's a work in progress. But when I remember my responsibility and accountability
for everything I create I immediately recognize the necessity of forgiveness. I have
to forgive others for presenting my issues in a way that I blame them for the outcome.
The only way I can do that is to forgive myself for setting it up in the first place
and then understanding if I set it up, I needed the lesson. There is no blame and
nothing to forgive. Why is it so easy to say and sometimes near impossible to do?
The learner's curve. When it no longer becomes near impossible I won't be here.
To forgive, I go back to center where I have been diligently creating scenarios for
self-improvement. I recognize the beauty of all that is and the truth that, for personal
refinement, I need everyone I encounter. Each serves a purpose, if only to show where
I remain weak in my inability to appreciate, or value their unique expression, or
create more positive scenarios and more positive reactions.
Violence is another discussion and healing requires it's own special recipe. Suffice
it to say, it has a karmic basis. Not that you earned it, but that it is required
by those in your sphere and you are here to deal with it. Like it or not, it's part
of the program we have all created. The key is each of us will react differently
and that is exactly as it is supposed to be.
I look back on my life to those individuals who have given me the greatest lessons
in forgiveness and see them as my teachers. I do not wish to relive the events. However,
I can acknowledge the tremendous impact they made and how that shaped the person
I am becoming. I love each and every one. I also choose not to live with them or
to blame myself for having been in their presence. I choose to accept them from afar
and allow them to live their own life with my kind thoughts and best wishes that
they share their space with others who value and care for them. I have learned from
my encounter and try not to recreate the identical situation. I have become more
aware of my own contribution...even if the only apparent requirement was proximity.
I hold myself accountable for my choice to carry the burden of blame (self or others)
or release the event to forgiveness. As I do so, I also look to the minor incidents
of gossip and instantaneous judgment that I can sometimes engage in and try to contain
that as well.
When it comes down to it, I have to forgive myself. And for me that is harder than
forgiving anyone else. It involves me admitting my rules and expectations are not
the only ones in existence and they may be infallible or worse: inaccurate. But I
have to forgive myself or I will never be able to forgive anyone else. My mistakes
are no more sacred. We are each capable of making divine mistakes. And some of us
go on to perfect them. I have perfected more than a few.
Apparently through the generosity of my soul, I have given myself lots of room for
growth. As soon as I forgive one, the scene changes and another steps forward to
challenge my ability. Forgive me for stepping on a few toes as I learn how to dance.
I am trying to forgive myself for needing to step on those toes. I hate making mistakes.
And that, in itself, indicates I have some more forgiving to do. Eventually, I will
get the steps. Then I will probably take up flying. Look out. It's always something.
Now the big picture. The problem with this diatribe: Life is a fiction. To allow
each to grow to his fullest requires noninterference and total acceptance that the
only real change comes from within. Nothing external exists. Forgiveness is easy
in this nonexistence, where we truly exist. But I am enjoying where I am. Forgive
me for trying to make it real.
wendy is author of Divine Awakening and Random Sparks of Light. When life offers
a wakeup call, transformation is an understatement. E-mail her at lite4one@aol.com.
Copyright (c) 2002 wendy
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