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The Courage to Create Forgiveness
The Creative Life I by Jane Kathryn Kolles
What goes around, comes around. I will be on the receiving end of something I once
put out on the giving end. I have loved enough and lived enough to experience that
principle first hand.
It has been almost 20 years, but I remember the day clearly. Three of us wanted a
fourth college roommate to move out. We confronted her in our dorm. Cruel words were
exchanged between all four of us. I knew at the time that whatever I said would hurt,
but I chose to be loyal to my friends. The next day, Mary was gone. She had quickly
moved out when we were all away at class. Although I wanted to apologize for my part
in the confrontation, and saw her many times on campus until we graduated, I never
found the courage.
Many years later, this energy came back into my life in the form of repeated moves.
We all know this as karma. And I put it together right away. Only then did I fully
understand the pain and disruption I had added to her life. This disruption was now
my own. My heart was heavy. It kept nudging me to say "I'm sorry," regardless
of how much time had passed. I wrote an apology note and mailed it to her.
"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word. Here are three more that can be just
as, if not more, difficult: "I forgive you."
We are connected
How do two American women who each lost a brother in the 9/11 attacks learn to forgive?
How does one woman in Afghanistan who lost a husband, children and brother, as well
as her house, when an errant bomb struck her neighborhood, learn to forgive? These
three women met in Afghanistan at the site where the woman's home used to be. She
cried, and told the women from New Jersey about her suffering and loss. They said
they, too, were suffering because they lost two brothers. Although it was a very
tense and emotional meeting for all three women, it was a small step towards promoting
forgiveness and understanding.
Suffering has a face. We see it every day. Sometime it is our own, reflected in another.
Do we look away? To truly understand another's experience, we must put a face, and
if possible, a name to suffering, like the three women above.
Events producing suffering do not occur in isolation. They connect us all. If we
look at any one single event that caused pain and suffering -- a tragedy, abuse,
accident or crime -- and understand it from a holistic perspective, we would learn
that suffering, though it manifests itself in different ways, touches everyone: giver
and receiver, perpetrator and victim, alike.
Someone hurts or betrays us. Our innocence is lost. Our mind obsesses with the injury,
replaying the event over and over again. We hang onto the injustice. We fantasize
between revenge and repair. Anger carves out a space in the heart, and where there
is an angry heart, there cannot be forgiveness or pure love. We keep the energy between
the other person and ourselves captive. Now our heart, as well as our mind, holds
forgiveness hostage.
Somewhere down the road, we hurt or betray someone and ask for forgiveness, but the
other person is hanging onto the injustice and has carved out anger in his or her
heart. If we ask to be forgiven, we must forgive.
Others as mother
Buddhism promotes the idea that we should look at all beings as our mother, for,
in other lifetimes, the person in our life now, who may be the cause of our pain
or suffering, was at one time our "mother," either an actual mother, or
someone who was nurturing and loving like a mother. So even though someone in this
lifetime is behaving badly towards us, we should feel compassion for this person.
Compassion is the wish that all beings cease to suffer -- not just people we like
and enjoy being with, but also people who are our greatest challenge in life. For,
as Buddhism says, these persons are suffering enough from delusions without us making
matters worse by generating hatred toward them. Therefore, we are to be compassionate
to all beings, which can be a mighty big task when the hurt or betrayal runs deep.
Deciding to forgive
Forgiveness is the decision to create love and compassion in the heart and mind.
It is a process. The heart needs preparation time, the ability to let go in small,
incremental steps, and the courage to create loving feelings. The mind needs time
to create healthy, compassionate thoughts about the person or event, thus replacing
negative thoughts, until the mind is free from negativity. If this occurs, ideally
a person will eventually come to understand the meaning of the injury or what greater
purpose it has served in their life.
Forgiveness can take many forms. Sometimes it is enough that we experience a spiritual
shift that allows us to forgive or accept forgiveness and move on with our lives.
Other times, it might be necessary to meet, or at least talk, to gain closure. Writing
down an apology or acceptance of forgiveness can be very helpful. But whatever the
final mode of delivery, the act of forgiveness requires the cessation of anger and
negative thoughts in the mind and the creation of positive, compassionate ones.
Mahatma Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind."
Revenge is not the answer. Creating a compassionate heart and clear mind that achieves
forgiveness is. Compassion expands the heart, liberates the mind and helps us to
see that we are all connected by our need to forgive and be forgiven.
Jane Kathryn Kolles is an artist, writer, speaker, and spirit
coach. She is the owner of Right Brain Jane™ and Spirit Soaring™,
companies that use creativity to heal and transform. Jane is currently
pursuing her master's degree in Human Development, with an emphasis
in Creativity and Spirituality,
through St. Mary's University. Go to www.rightbrainjane.com
Copyright (c) 2002 Jane Kathryn Kolles
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