| The Children Are Watching by Linda Lee "If your heart were sincere and upright, every creature would be unto you a looking-glass of life and a book of holy doctrine." -- Thomas á Kempis, Imitation of Christ. "Whosoever shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:4. When my daughter, Joey, was two and a half years old, I first became consciously aware that she was actually an autonomous human being, as opposed to an extension of myself. I also began to understand that she was watching me in a way that was more profound than mere, casual observance. This was brought to my attention, for example, the time she overheard me gossiping with a friend about my sister's baby shower. Two days later, while visiting my sister's home, I was effectively busted when Joey innocently inquired, "Mama, why is Auntie mad that you won't take a shower with her?" Another incident, which occurred around the same time, further affirmed my growing sense that developing my strengths as a role model must take precedence over even my most ambitious goals as a teacher. We were driving through rush-hour traffic, on our way to do some Christmas shopping, when a car pulled in front of me, cutting me off and almost causing an accident. In the heat of the moment I uttered some less than respectful words out of anger. Once we had arrived at the store, Joey was riding in the shopping cart and suddenly yelled out, to an elderly gentleman passing by, "Hey, get out of my way, you ass!" Which, of course, is exactly what I'd said in the car. I was embarrassed and flustered and tried to remain composed as I explained to my child that we really shouldn't say things like that, to which she replied, "OK, Mama, what should we say to the ass?" I love to tell these stories, because they're funny. I'd like to make the point, however, that this is about more than getting caught gossiping or swearing. What I really want to teach my children, and what they have taught me in the process, is the importance of integrity. Integrity means being the same on the inside as you are on the outside. It means living an authentic life. It means never having to worry about what people will think when they find out what you're really like, because you are what you're really like. It's always interesting to me when I hear people complain about "kids today." We all know enough by now to realize that a good portion of the attitudes a young person develops are essentially formed by watching his or her parents, family members and close adults expressing themselves. Not by what these adults tell the child to do or what values they tell them to have, but mainly by what the adults do and the values they embody. When Joey was 13, she brought a flyer home from school. It described a special seminar that would be taking place at school to address issues of body image faced by adolescent girls. In an effort to present myself as an evolved parent sensitive to my daughter's changing needs, I asked her what she thought about going to the seminar. She said, "I think if they stop giving Barbie dolls to first-grade girls as a reward for good grades, then maybe they could stop having body-image classes for the same girls when they reach junior high school." On September 11, after a very long day of TV news coverage, phone calls, e-mails, prayer vigils, general anxiety and confusion, I was meditating in my garden as is my nightly custom in warmer weather. The front door to the house opened and my 17-year-old daughter stepped outside. She pulled up a chair next to me and sat down. I knew she'd been corresponding over the internet, so I asked her what her friends were saying about everything that had happened. I wondered how everyone was holding up. Joey said, "Well, I guess the thing that means the most to me is finding out that the people I look up to and count on to be calm, loving and peaceful are maintaining that reality in the face of the crisis." I smiled. I was moved by the gentle wisdom of this young woman to choose and appreciate such virtues in her relationships. I asked, "So, who are these people you speak of? Who do you look up to in that way?" She thought for a moment. Then, she made me misty. "I guess I was talking about you, Mom." As the child springs from, and could not exist without, the parent, so every act of a human being springs from the hidden thought which conceived it. This applies equally to those acts referred to as "spontaneous" and "unpremeditated" as to those that are deliberately carried out. This is why we must do better than just "behaving" ourselves in front of the children. We must become the people our children could be caught watching at any moment. Then we will be honored when that very thing happens. And it will happen. It is happening now. Linda Lee is an award-winning photographer who specializes in unique, personal portraiture and the photo-journaling of weddings and events. Many of her images are available as fine art through her studio in St. Paul and other local galleries. She is the owner of Real Life Photography and may be reached at (651) 578-9774. Copyright © 2001 Linda Lee |
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