| OUR SOULS | OUR FEATURED TOPIC
Return of the Soul by Jane Kathryn Kolles It was getting very crowded in my small house. I was living with two other roommates, and the three of us weren't getting along. My downstairs roommate had lived there for as long as I can remember. My upstairs roommate moved in years ago, left and returned several times, and returned indefinitely about 2-3 years ago. In this time, we've re-developed a wonderful friendship, better than the one we had when we lived together before. We trust each other, we talk every night, we share a lot of tears and triumphs together, and living together made my house feel like a home again. Ever since the upstairs roommate returned, the downstairs roommate has been rather unhappy. I asked my downstairs roommate, "Tell me what is going on with you. Why are you unhappy?" I knew before Ego started talking what it would say. "Well, ever since 'that' moved back in," Ego said with a huff as it motioned over to Soul, "I have been uncomfortable. I cannot do the things I used to be able to do in this house. I feel like you two are in cahoots about something. It's making me paranoid. It was so much nicer around here when I didn't have to compete for your attention. You used to listen to me. We used to do things together. Now I feel you're ignoring me. I feel like I don't belong." "What do you want?" I asked Ego. "I want you and I to be best friends, like the old days..." I could see tears forming in Ego's eyes. I turned to Soul. "Is there anything you want to say?" "Trust." With that, Soul went upstairs. Ego hated it when Soul got the last word, especially when it was literally, just one word. It was a difficult summer. Ego and Soul continued to battle with each other, though I could see that Ego was wearing out. Ego didn't blast the stereo or slam cupboard doors as much. Ego kept to itself, and sometimes didn't come home at night. Then one day in September, while I was at work, Ego had moved out. It didn't clean its room. It was two months behind in rent. And it left no note or forwarding address. I stood in Ego's room. I felt lost and unsure. We had lived together so long that it was like losing a part of myself. I had many fond memories of the things Ego and I used to do together. Ego was so untamed and fun! But sometimes Ego talked me into doing and saying things that I wouldn't have done if Soul was around. They felt good at the time. Afterwards, I had regrets. Ego never had regrets. Living without Ego was difficult and strange at first. But it was in Ego's absence that I discovered just how much Ego had control of my life -- my reactions, my thoughts, and my words. Sometimes I missed Ego, but I liked how I was changing since Ego moved out and Soul had returned. * * * I don't know when it started or how, but at some point in my life, possibly as early as 5 or 6 years old, my soul became fragmented. This fragmentation continued over the years as a way to cope and survive as a child, teen and adult. It has only been in the past 2-3 years that parts of my soul have returned to me, and this fragmentation has begun to heal itself. Before my soul felt safe to return to me, however, I had to take responsibility for my life. I had to go through some deep, dark times. I had to quit playing the victim role. I had to remove toxic influences from my life. I had to take steps to strip away everything in my life -- titles, labels, wants and attachments -- and get to my core. And I had to let go of my friendship with Ego. Fascination with soul My fascination with my soul began in the fall of 1998. Most of the books that have found their way onto my bookshelf since then have the word "soul" in their title: Chicken Soup for the Soul, Seat of the Soul, Soul Types, Soul: An Archeology, Soul Retrieval, and The Soul is Here for it's Own Joy. I wanted to learn about SOUL. In the summer of 1999, I wrote these words in my journal: "Whose body/bodies has/have my soul been in before and how many times has my soul, as it now resides in MY body, been back on this earth? How many lives has my soul lived before? I've never given much thought to reincarnation before, but if the soul never dies, where does it go and where has it been before me? Do we each get a new 'soul' when we're born? Was my soul in an artist's body before? Could my soul have been in a man's body before? Was the body that housed my soul another race? Am I just finishing someone else's mission on this earth, maybe something their soul while in their body was not able to complete? And where will my soul go when my physical body leaves this earth? Who will complete my mission and carry on for me? And what is 'me' anyway?" It became apparent to me that once I started becoming fascinated with my soul, that my soul had started to return to me. Slowly, I started talking to my soul, like I would to God or a friend. I acknowledged that it was there again, and I told it that I wanted to figure out a way to work with it, and not against it. I agreed that I had sold my soul at times in my life -- when I didn't honor my intuition and instead let my ego take hold, when I engaged in destructive behaviors, when I did not speak my truth. I asked to be shown in dreams and synchronicities what the purpose for my soul is. I asked to be given direction, patience and trust that my soul was doing the work it came here to do. I said that I would be willing to experience this work with my soul. I told my soul I was so grateful that it was back. Finding soul Sometimes the means to finding our soul put us in situations that are painful and with people that are energetically toxic, abusive, draining and challenging. There is a saying: "An easy life does not teach anything." I firmly believe that it is only through these relationships and challenges that we find our soul. Difficult times show us what we are made of, and what we are made of, only, is soul. This is what I have discovered: All that I am is a soul, and what I thought was me is really not me and based on nothing that is me. I am just a soul, housed in a body, my soulhouse. That's it, pure and simple. A soul wants love, to give and receive. My soul does not want material things and has no use for them to feel whole or joyful. Only my Ego wants these things. When I leave this earth, everything material in my life will remain here on earth. All my clothes will form the shape of the body my soul resided in. All my books on soul will only be a reflection of my discovery here. All the designs and products I created will only be reminders of my soul trying to express itself and heal. All the words I used and letters I wrote will serve as a historical diary of my soul's love and affection for my family and friends. My body will return to dust, never again to hold and hug those I love. But my soul will live on and on. Trusting soul My soul is here to learn about unconditional love, "to show others we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do," as Nan Fairbrother said. If I can practice unconditional love, then that will be the wellspring from which all rivers of my life are fed. I have found that life is easier and much more enjoyable when I just let go of everything and trust my soul. My soul knows what I need, though at times, I admit that, sure, it is a complete mystery to me and a source of continual learning. It may take years for relationships and events to play out in my life, for their purpose to be understood and questions to be answered. I also have to realize that I may not get answers in this lifetime. Rent to your soul If you don't know the story of "Rent," let me summarize. This highly successful, award-winning Broadway musical was written by playwright Jonathan Larson. The evolution of Rent was not a simple one. It took seven long and difficult years to take the show from its initial concept to its first public performance. But underlining it's success is the reminder that Jonathon is not here to share in its glory. One week before Rent's first preview, Jonathan felt the first signs of the aortic aneurysm that would end his soulwork in this lifetime. A week later, on January 25, 1996, Jonathan went to the final dress rehearsal of Rent at New York Theatre Workshop. By the end of the show, he was surrounded by friends and supporters shouting and clapping in approval. After the preview, he was interviewed by a reporter from The New York Times. The reporter told Jonathan off the record that Rent was an amazing achievement, surely destined for success. Then Jonathan went home, put on some tea, and died. His roommate found him on the floor of the kitchen, lying beside his coat. Jonathan Larson was 35 years old. This was no doubt a devastating loss for this world, and it silenced all the musicals he was yet to compose, but through his arduous work and creative persistence, we are left with one exuberant and passionate masterpiece of his soulwork, "Rent." There are words from a song in "Rent" that sum up how I feel about my soul: "I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul. My only goal is just to be." If I continue to have a dialogue with my soul, I know I will never lose connection with it again. If I don't rent space again to Ego again and if I continue to rent to my Soul, my house will be in peace. Jane Kathryn Kolles is the owner of Right Brain Jane , a graphic and product design company, and Spirit Soaring , her coaching and spiritual transformation company. Her self-published book The Monarch Pages: Articles of Transformation is now available online. She is available for life coaching and motivational speaking. Visit her website at www.rightbrainjane.com. Copyright © 2001 Jane Kathryn Kolles |
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