| INSIGHT | COLUMNS & GUIDANCE Television: Friend or Foe? Enlightened parenting by Angie Bailey As a parent, I sometimes feel as if I am walking on eggshells when I make decisions about what my children can and can't watch on TV, which movies they should or should not see and what music may or may not scar them for life. It seems to be an issue, whether parenting a toddler or a teen. As facilitators of our children's learning, how can we feel comfortable that their brains are not overloaded with negative messages? OK -- I'll admit that my children watch TV -- not a lot, but they do. Some parents avoid the TV scene altogether and, thus, do not face the questions of its effect on their children. Do my children receive a steady diet of cartoons? No. Is their viewing time limited? Yes. Do I know exactly what they are watching at all times and comfortable with the content? Absolutely. I recently began watching "Little House on the Prairie" with my 5-year-old daughter. I have such warm memories of my youth, snuggled up on the couch, totally caught in the adventures of "Half-Pint." When we first tuned in, we found Pa and Laura on the prairie with their ill horse. Pa was indicating that the horse was too sick and should be shot. Laura was wailing and begging him not to shoot the beloved horse. Wow...somehow in my nostalgic recall, I had forgotten the heart-wrenching storylines of many of the shows. I considered turning it off, but then saw an opportunity within the walls of Walnut Grove. I looked over and Katie's eyes were full of confusion: "Mom, why are they killing the horse?" I explained that sometimes animals are too sick that they need help to die, just like our old cat did. And back in those days, it was too far and too difficult to carry the horse to a doctor, so shooting it was the best way to help the horse. Plus -- the horse's body was not really who he was. His spirit was much happier when the pain was gone from his body. She was quite satisfied with the explanation and we continued watching the show together. Going into it, I knew that Little House would be fine for her to watch, accompanied by me. Had she watched the show alone, she may have left saddened and confused, drawing her own conclusions about why the horse was shot. Instead, I created a teaching moment, because I was present with her and we communicated. As with any relationship, open communication is key with our children. Not only does it help strengthen the relationship, it clears up any confusion and offers the opportunity for explanations to come from us. To shield or not to shield When our children are younger, certainly it is a little easier to monitor their TV exposure. Parents may face more challenges during the teenage years. Despite what they like to believe (and I remember!), teenagers do not hold all the knowledge of the world in the palm of their hands. I absolutely do not believe in over-shielding my children. My personal philosophy is to allow what I feel is age appropriate, and then be available to experience it with them. A friend of mine recently told me that strict TV viewing guidelines were imposed when she was a child. As she became a teenager, she scrambled to watch all the "taboo" shows on the sly, eager to know what she was missing. As an adult, she felt that the "sheltered" way in which she was raised did not serve her at all. I believe a certain amount of shielding is necessary. Will I plop my 3-year-old in front of an episode of ER? No way! Should a 15-year-old child watch the same show? I believe that is a call for the parent to make, choosing based on the emotional maturity of the child. If this is one of the select shows your family chooses to watch, perhaps the themes will offer excellent opportunity for discussion on topics like death, drugs or sex. And if you are aware your teenager watched a TV show, like ER, unaccompanied, perhaps you can ask him about the show. In general conversation, begin a discussion about the storylines, but do not lecture. If your teen is willing enough to open up to you, I believe the best approach is to listen and offer feedback in a non-threatening manner. Perhaps bring in examples from your own, or someone else's life, that relate to the topic. A reaction like, "There's another example about how drugs can kill you! You haven't tried any drugs, right?" may put the teen on the defensive and you may not receive another opportunity for open conversation. Instead, a comment like, "When I was in high school, my friend's brother got mixed up with drugs and ended up dropping out of school. It was really sad." That type of comment opens up more opportunity for peaceful conversation and the child may choose to share stories or concerns with you -- or -- even ask for advice. I am offering this suggestion based upon conversations about what has worked for parents of teens and memories from my own teenage years. I believe kids need parents who are good listeners and do not fly off the handle with threatening or judgmental comments and questions. Some options In short...I am certainly not asking you to flip on the TV all day and veg with your children. If you don't include television in your family life, I support your choice. My suggestion is that if you do choose TV as a medium for entertainment and learning: • Limit TV viewing time • Consider what is appropriate for your child • Watch with them and take advantage of teaching moments • With teens, create open, non-threatening conversation about topics in storylines Again, communication is an integral part of any relationship. As parents, we can choose to nurture the relationship with our children and help them develop healthy views and beliefs about the world. We cannot shield them from what they will face when they enter the world without us, but we can definitely assist in the building of a strong foundation that will offer them the tools they will need to positively contribute to themselves and the world around them. Angie Bailey is director of Enlightened Parenting, whose mission is to help integrate spiritual parenting principles into our relationships with children. She is a speaker and writer who facilitates an ongoing spiritual parenting group in Golden Valley, Minn. Additionally, Angie is the Youth Education Director at Unity Christ Church in Golden Valley. She may be contacted through her website at www.enlightenedparenting.com or (612) 581-7664. Copyright © 2001 Angie Bailey |
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