ADDICTIONS | OUR FEATURED TOPIC Lost Time in a Bottle by Jane Kathryn Kolles II discovered alcohol late in life, relatively speaking. While most of my high school peers were already getting drunk regularly on weekends, the crowd I chose to hang out with did not drink, and I was content. All that changed my freshman year in college. I made up for lost time. I would describe myself as an "alcoholic extrovert." After a couple drinks, I was the life of the party, the first to don a lampshade or dance on a table. Their were many nights (and days) when I got in a car with someone in the group who had been drinking, though not as much as the rest of us, and that person became the group's designated driver -- to the bars or a football game or a dance. That was quite common, unfortunately. I know I did some very stupid things when I was drinking -- things that I probably would not have done if I was sober. My drinking pace dramatically slowed my last two years at college, though I didn't abandon it completely. Maybe the novelty wore off. Maybe I discovered that it was not all it was cracked up to be -- the expense, the hangovers. Maybe it was when Warren Stump, a student at my college, drove off a cliff into the Mississippi River because he took a wrong turn in a drunken stupor. That never left me. After college and up until two years ago, when I gave up alcohol, my drinking was mostly social -- one or two drinks at happy hour, or family or social function. It was manageable in my life and it didn't occur to me to change my lifestyle. Alcohol in society Even before I officially started day one sans drinking, I started to look around my world and wondered if I could eliminate alcohol from my life. I realized just how many situations and events on a daily basis revolve around alcohol. I started to notice more alcohol ads in magazines and on billboards. Sporting events that revolved around alcohol. The rush on a Friday (or any day of the week) to get to "happy hour." Events that were sponsored by companies that manufacture alcohol. Small towns that I would drive through that all had at least one "muni" bar. Alcohol is deeply woven into the fabric of our society. If that thread was ever removed, the whole pattern would disintegrate. There would be total chaos. (Keyword here: Prohibition.) And it's not the only thread. Consider nicotine, diet pills, food, consumerism, internet chatting, etc. -- the list could get quite lengthy if everyone tossed in their addictions, mine included. Here's an idea I thought of one day, being the dreamer I am: What if we replaced every bar in the this country with a library?!! Just think how different this country and the world would be?!! Think of the potential! The inventions that could be built, the cures discovered, the literature that could be written, the art created, the education that could be attained. Sadly...it will never happen. It's easy to belong when you drink, or engage in any one of our culture's socially accepted methods of decompression. I was one of the crowd. I belonged. People knew what I liked to drink. People understood how to relate to me when we both drank. But did I really know how to relate to myself? Life without alcohol That's what I wanted to find out. If pulling the thread out of society was impossible, what if I pulled MYSELF out of the thread? And so I did. November 4, 1999, was my first official day sans drinking. It was a weekday. The issue didn't really come up until the next social gathering I attended. "Do you want a red wine?" someone asked me. "No thanks, I don't drink anymore." Silence. A confused look. Not the response they expected or even wanted. Some people didn't know what to say. Reactions were interesting and varied, but for the most part supportive. People were curious. They wanted to know why I would give up something that tastes so delicious and makes you feel so nice? With each new encounter, I became more sure of and more comfortable on my new path. I believed I could buck the trend. I have always had a small rebellious streak in me anyway, so why not apply it towards something healthy and life-enhancing? "I just don't want it in my life anymore," I explained. But what I didn't say, what may have made some people uneasy, and possibly myself as well if the tables were turned, was that I wanted to know who I was without alcohol. I wanted to understand how it was impacting my lifestyle. I wanted my body to feel how wonderful it could feel again to not have that in my system. I wanted to feel empowered when I said or did something, knowing that it was coming from a sober and present state of mind. And I was tired of putting off my life and the person I wanted to become. I found out firsthand that it is scary to change the status quo, as I did when I quit drinking. I have changed forever the ways that I relate to other people and how they relate to me, especially now in settings where alcohol is being happily consumed. I don't belong in the same way that I did before. I am blazing my own trail. Isn't that what I was doing back in high school anyway when I chose not to drink? And call it sychronicity or my newfound awareness, but since giving up alcohol, I've come across more people who are also blazing their own trail without it, too. That has created new and dynamic ways of relating. And that is belonging, too. Tasting the darkness Learning about the destruction of alcohol has truly served me. Whether I consciously chose it or not, it has allowed me to "have it all" -- the experience of living a life with alcohol and the experience of enjoying life again without it. Call it my 16-year journey wandering through another very cool, luscious country, and when I reached the end, I returned home. It's like that saying: "You can't see the light until you are in the dark." I had to taste that darkness, again and again and again, until I was literally sick of it, before I could choose to find the light. I thank God and Goddess above for giving me the chance to learn about having alcohol in my life and then the courage to walk away from it. I understand both sides of drinking now -- the desire to wind down at the end of the workday with a glass of wine and the desire to live an alcohol-free life. I discovered that drinking was not about the actual substance or act itself, but about what was behind the substance and the issues that I did not want to face. I rediscovered the person that I was, and who I was potentially becoming, before I started drinking at 19. Mostly, I realized just how much time was lost in the bottle. All these things I have discovered, slowly, sometimes painfully and not always easily, over the past couple of years. I am sure that I will keep unearthing feelings and newfound discoveries for years to come, because when I eliminated one source of an addiction, I was faced with accepting that I am not without other addictions -- and the learning must continue. I'll toast to that. Bring it on. Jane Kathryn Kolles is a designer and writer, and the owner of Right Brain Jane, a graphic design and product design company that creates motivational products. Jane is committed to using her life and sharing her experiences with others in order to promote transformation, healing and understanding. Jane is available for motivational speaking, writing opportunities and design projects. Visit her website at www.rightbrainjane.com. Copyright © 2001 Jane Kathryn Kolles SEPT 2001